I had an anxiety attack for the first time in a long time, I don’t know what caused it I didn’t do anything different I literally wasn’t even moving I simply was just lying in bed watching Grey’s enjoying relaxation Maybe my subconscious was trying to drill in the fact I haven’t touched my homework that’s been long over due Maybe it’s the fact I haven’t eaten anything of substance in awhile Maybe it’s the fact I simply just let go of myself during all these chaotic events that I cannot even think about without feeling things spiral out of control Maybe that’s it The spiralling Maybe since I try to remain stationary all the time my mind wanted to show me it’s okay to let go and just be Let the nerves run through me The absolute exhaustion The defeat But how can I be defeated when I still have so much more left to do The schooling, the sex, the pleasure, the love, the warm, the hugs, the sun My god the sun I love how the sun feels on my skin It always makes me feel at peace Sometimes it can be a little bit too intense But that’s okay Sometimes life is intense Lately life has been really intense Like REALLY F*CKING INTENSE Sometimes I don’t know up from down Left from right All I know is that I’m doing just alright Not good Not great Not horrible Not dead My god my relationship is dead The comfort The safety The every day check ins I cannot believe it’s the end Is it my fault Was it his Oh but wait was it the things I said If I start questioning what made me do it Get up and leave I will start placing the blame back on me And I just can’t do that I can’t keep on doing that I need to stop the blame I blamed myself for years For years I blamed the little girl who tried to protect so many I lied to protect those I loved but ended up hurting so many in the process I let them down I let myself down But I’m trying so hard to build her back up To let her breathe Let her smell the fresh air and feel the crisp rays of sun on her skin It’s time to step out of that deep dark closet that smells of musk and mildew Crawl out from under that bed where you drenched the carpet in tears and snot My god the things I would do when I was scared Always hiding in the dark The dark is now my friend My thoughts are dark sometimes Not all the time but sometimes When moments get overwhelming and I miss feeling free When I just want to cry and scream “let me be” “don’t touch me” My god so many hands have touched me without my okay And I really hope that one day I will learn to be okay As I say this tears well up in my eyes Because for years I’ve always pushed that part aside That part of me who is so deeply hurt My god Why did he put his hand up my skirt No matter how clothed No matter how young My god I cannot believe you dared me to show him my bum Lift up my shirt say hey __ look at me The glazed enamoured look he would get in his eyes Dear god no one look at those eyes You’d think he was kind with those sweet dear eyes But he will entice you and paw at you and keep on showing up because you’re his little secret he will never give up. My god I want to rip away from him but I’ll always feel so dirty because of him The dirt on my skin… my god I’m choking up The showers I take are to make it all go away The touch The marks The feeling of filth All because of him and his f*cked up sins His sins have ruined so many little girls I hope one day I can make those girls proud Help them find help Help them find love Help them find pleasure even after him Because a time will come when you will grow and prosper on but know that his actions have made you forever strong But that doesn’t mean be grateful for that experience Just know that this is quite the experience An experience of love Of true happiness
One day you will find it and say F*CK HIM You deserve it all You deserve everything he took The things that he took are just not worth it It’s confusing I know but you will understand it One day when you just see yourself Your true self It’s time I reclaim my power My sensual side That side that is so sexy I could even devour It doesn’t matter what I look like What I wear How thin I look It simply just matters how that inner child feels in that moment So this is what I do To feel empowered To feel sexy To reclaim my femininity And my whole entire power These shoots These simple beautiful elegant captivating shoots I’m doing it for me For the little girl who lost her way For the woman I am becoming And for who I am today Today I exist in a world of hurt but when I sit here and reflect All I see is my entire feminine power growing once again Because of these shoots I can witness her grow in such a beautiful light My god I love watching her grow This is me All of me I am not just surviving but living a beautiful, crazy, chaotic life My life
~ Shyan
